Welcome!
What a different year it has been for us.
Well, year and half really.
Life is unpredictable. New every day. Dreams we have, plans we’ve made- none of it is guaranteed, is it?
So 2024 will be the Year of Cancer. I do not want to give cancer anymore credit for affecting my life than 2024. Of course, it has. It’s already spilled over from 2023. But it does not get any more headlines from me. No more Capitals!
The physical and emotional fallout from both the cancer and the treatment for cancer has been eye-opening. For those of you who have never been touched by cancer, you really cannot understand it. Empathize, yes. Understand? No. Not until it affects you personally I think. I certainly did not know or understand how deeply it affects a person.
It’s not just the physical aspects. Oh yes, there are plenty of those! But it is also how cancer changes the way you look at life. It changes your relationships with other people however subtly.
For me, I look around me now. Things have never been a priority. I grew up with enough, but we were on the edge of poverty sometimes. I never really felt like I had missed out on ‘things’ though, as we had family. Since then God has blessed me with financial security. Yes, there were some very lean years but overall we never wanted for any ‘thing’. It is a privilege to be able to share the blessings we have now with others.
As so many of us approaching retirement age, I have accumulated a LOT of ‘things’. Part of that is from those lean years when every little thing could be used, or might be needed in the future. You just never throw away anything!
Part of the accumulated treasure is just that - there is so much potential in so many things! A scrap of paper is not to be thrown away as it could be shaped into a paper flower, or used in a collage, or become filler for a vase.
Part is a tendency to hoard, although I do hate to use that word and my name in the same sentence. However, one look in my basement and it might be justified.
So how is this connected to cancer? Cancer forces you to look at not how much life you have, but how much life you have left. It brings uncertainty of the length of life into the mix. Not fear. Just a more keen realization that life is never guaranteed. Death is a part of life.
And so I look around me. Is this what I want to be remembered as? Do I really want my loved ones to have to go through all my treasures and decide what is and isn’t important? What is gold and what is fuel?
With the time I have remaining, which is unknown but finite, can I really complete 6 books of crochet afghan patterns when I don’t know how to crochet? How many bead patterns is reasonable to assume I will have time to start and finish? Do I even want to paint all those paper mache’ boxes? Chances are pretty slim I will ever fit into the sizes on those clothing patterns, much less have the time to sew them all.
So yes, cancer has changed my perspective of what is around me. I look at ‘things’ differently now. I downsize. I agonize and struggle with my hoarder self. I give myself permission to throw away scraps of paper and 2 inch pieces of ribbon and old calendars and odd-sized envelopes. Well, okay, give away or recycle with throw away as a last resort.
If I can give away treasure to someone else who would love to have (fill in the blank) what a blessing that would be for both of us!
Oh, I’ve known these things all along, but there was always time enough to deal with things later. When I have time. Someday. Cancer has changed someday into now. This day.
Do I sound like I have everything all together? Well, I don’t. I still have moments of sheer sobbing. I can’t even explain why - it just comes. I get angry when I see my naked self in the mirror, with my body crisscrossed with so many scars. My shape is no longer me. Yet it is the new ‘cancer me’. I hate it. Will I live long enough to accept this new me? I have no idea. Perhaps it is okay to be angry about some things, as long as I don’t wallow in self pity. I never want to become an angry person. But flashes of anger? I think that’s okay.
I also refuse to feel sorry for myself. I am no better (nor worse) than anyone else who has had cancer. It just is. I waste no time on the merry-go-round of ‘why me?’. Why not me? Cancer doesn’t care. What I do know, and what I rely on, is that I have a God Who loves me. He wants what is best for me. I do not understand this kind of love. I see glimmers of it when I think of myself as a parent. I would die for my son. A part of God did die for me. Wow. How can I ask for anything else when God gave so much?
Oh well, I certainly don’t want to get all preachy. I just needed to share some thoughts. Sometimes by writing things down it helps clarify my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps someone else out there has similar feelings. Similar thoughts. Or perhaps my meanderings might help someone else. That would be serendipitous.
Cancer? Bah! Humbug!
- inkspired
